Why I’d Like to Make You Gag

People who make me laugh-until-I-gag are my favorite people.  It’s a skill very few possess and I just found my new favorite person.

Like any good love story, the reader needs some background on how I found my newest favorite person who makes me laugh hysterically to the point I need to cover my mouth and run to the nearest garbage can.

Upon realizing that my image was being searched in Cyrillic after a post in which I made a disparaging comment about Vladimir Putin, I researched the words: strangest searches.  

That’s not exactly how it went down but suffice it to say first there was a panic attack, then a poignant call to my loved ones, then a two-hour futile attempt at googling myself on Russian google, then a long discussion about the first amendment with my lawyer/best friend…and THEN the researching of various strange google searches. If you’re totally lost, it’s your fault for not reading my last few posts.

The above-mentioned “search word” research didn’t exactly go too smoothly either.  While entertaining my newest obsession of conducting random searches on numerous search engines, I came to the realization that certain word combinations should only be googled at your own risk. After stringing together dozens of seemingly innocuous word groupings, I have come to the realization that entering any random two words into a search engine eventually yields the same result:  all word combinations lead to porn. And Amazon.

I never did find who or what was ardently searching for me (through the use of Russian search engines) after I insulted Mr. Putin.   What I found instead made me forget about how creepy the internet is, temporarily quelled the self-loathing and insecurity that I feel every time I post something new to my blog, AND, as an added bonus, made me laugh gag.  A lot. I almost threw up in my bed.

This link takes you to a post about strange google searches written by my new favorite person (who I’ve since found out is a famous, witty blogger).  Like really famous.  Her name is Jenny Lawson.  I seriously want to be her after I go through my mandated two-year blog puberty.

/http://thebloggess.com/2014/02/strangest-search-terms-of-the-week/      (In case you’re wondering, my personal favorites are a tie between the search for “nipple stretchers” and the search for “vagina punch”)

I’m not sure, but I think I have my first girl crush.  I just downloaded her book, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened,” I’ve subscribed to her Twitter, I’ve shamelessly read her blog from end to end…and I emailed her a very long fan letter AND she wrote back

Here’s an excerpt:

The new person who made me laugh gag

Note to self: Read this EVERY TIME you think you suck at blogging (read daily)

I know this must be a girl crush because I got the exact same feeling when she replied that I got when Tony DeFranco sent me a signed glossy photo in response to my three page handwritten letter to him in regarding his timeless classic, “Heartbeat (is a Love Beat).” For those of you who have no idea who Tony DeFranco is, you have no business reading my blog.  The man is a god amongst men.  A man so humble that his current realtor website (http://www.tonydefranco.com/) makes no mention about his two-page centerfold in the April 1972 Tigerbeat.

defranco tiger beat

And in case you’re wondering, NO I have not been compensated in any way for plugging my new favorite person, Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess. Or Tony DeFranco (although in my opinion, he’s long overdue for a comeback tour. However, if it happens, I will most definitely and shamelessly take FULL responsibility for it.).  Aside from the obvious fact that she made me heave from laughter, The Bloggess told me “I rock” when I questioned if this blog I’m writing is just a poor substitute for old-fashioned therapy and/or antidepressants. In any case, I think you all need to experience the beauty that is the laughter gag.  Now scroll back up to her link of strange searches (rather than weirdly staring at Tony DeFranco’s real estate listings because if you are, you’ve clearly missed the point).  You’re welcome.

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